There once was a small state with a very big problem. Gary had died suddenly of a heart attack during the annual Helmund family BBQ which left the state prison system minus its very adept yet tactful executioner. As when sometimes fate and irony collide, the state’s most notorious and prolific serial killer was due to be executed the very next week and as you can imagine, this posed an enormous dilemma for the warden – a predicament he had feared would one day arrive – had hoped would never arrive. He reluctantly put in the obligatory call to the governor to relay his plight. “Well, just ask around – surely there must be someone who works for you who would be willing to do it,” claimed the governor, “offer money, time-off.” With a heavy and doubtful heart, the very next morning, the warden posted the opening in the staff break lounge and via intraoffice email.
State executioner wanted immediately.
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- Training provided
- Bonus and extra vacation
- EAP program
Inquire in warden’s office.
One day went by with no interested parties. Then two long days passed. On the third day and with a heavy heart, the warden called the governor. “I am having a difficult time in finding someone to take the position,” he remarked, “Seems offering a bonus and extra time off isn’t attractive enough compensation.” There was a long pause on the other end – an excruciatingly black chasm of silence. Then the governor responded with a conviction and explicitness that only the warden and the governor’s offspring well understood. “This is non-negotiable. I will not have the rest of the country look at our little state as if we can’t get things done. Not on this occasion nor any other.” And he hung up the phone.
With clear marching orders the warden took a deep breath, sat up straight and cleared his throat. He knew what he must do – to save his job and the state’s reputation. You see, when the blizzard of 1975 blew through, the entire state shut down. The National Guard hadn’t received enough money for decades in order to keep up its behemoth trucks used for snow plowing. The story hit every news station and was broadcasted throughout the nation – “State Shut Down Over Misuse of Funding.” There were angry citizen interviews, the elderly froze to death and kids were out of school for over a month – they were the laughingstock of the northern states conference that year. Then there was the pandemic of 2020. The governor failed to take the lethal threat seriously until it was too late and so percentage-wise, the state topped the list world-wide for deaths per population.
Later that night, the warden lay wide awake and restless in bed — unable to sleep under the weight of what he must do. He wondered how he would be able to live the rest of his life afterwards. Then his thoughts turned, and he began to reminisce over how for a full 18 years, Gary Helmund had been the epitome of perfection in an employee. He arrived for work every day like clockwork – 6 a.m. on the dot, made his rounds, never got close to inmates nor colleagues, maintained an immaculate locker, always brought a lunch from home and never seemed to be impacted by the deaths he facilitated. Albeit, only two executions had been performed since Gary had worked there but the calculated and emotionless skill he brought to the job was extraordinary…with no detectable impact on countenance.
The warden didn’t sleep all night – not one wink. His mind flooded and heart raced with ways to explain to others what he must do and why – the justification behind the act. The guy is a really bad dude – a psychopath; nobody else will do it; I’ll lose my job if this doesn’t go through; we can take the grandkids to Disney World with the bonus; the reputation of our great small state is at stake; I can retire early. No matter how the warden spun it, he couldn’t justify the act and reconcile how he’d live with himself afterwards. This man of the law who so easily allowed someone else to carry the burden for all these years.
In the decades that the death penalty had been in service (when the warden had no direct hand in the act) it was effortless to be confident and have total faith in the guilt of the dead man walking. Now, he was finding it not so clear cut – surely there has never been an executionary mistake in the history of mankind? What do I tell people I do for a living? Is something inherently bad if I can’t be honest and open about it? How do I explain it to my children? How will they see me? Once others know, it will always be on their minds. Some will ask, but most will hold me as a pariah – a strange type of unperson person. Will taking up meditation help me to let go of my culpability – or at least calm the anxiety that must come as remnants of killing another human being? Wait — isn’t meditation developed to delve more deeply into my psyche and isn’t that exactly what I am trying to avoid? How can I unsee his face, un-smell the metallic odor of the room — ever feel worthy of the warmth of my wife’s touch again? Must I turn to sleeping pills and alcohol as a last resort to live with myself, to sleep, to stop my mind from its torturous racing ways forever? I will take up running – long distances.
At that very moment, the warden realized that this act of intentionally and premeditatedly killing a man came with justifications, work arounds, self-denials, secrets and shame. He bemused about the very fact that one must live a half-life to perform it and survive afterwards – never mind thrive. He asked himself if it got easier or harder each time and what that said about who he was as a person.
The next morning, with a lighter and hopeful heart, the warden posted the opening in the state-wide employment section and across every website in the United States. It read:
Sociopath Wanted Immediately!
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- Get paid regularly but rarely work
- Bonuses for work performed
- Extensive Vacation
- No experience required; must pass psychological test
Apply Today!
And that night, the warden was able to sleep soundly in the faith that he found a workable and real solution. The next day, there were thousands of applications – at least 1 in every 100 might work.
