Free Family Counseling Program Helps Parents and Kids
It’s the kind of program where, yes, every child does get an award, as proud parents shed tears. But these are different kinds of awards. They’re not for academics or sports, but for character traits: listening skills, kindness, sense of humor, compassion or a willingness to try something new. All are crucial to a multipart family counseling tactic that includes kids helping each other with behavioral, educational and social challenges.
“For so many of these kids, it’s the first time they’ve been recognized in a public setting,” says Victoria Foster, co-director of the New Horizons Family Counseling Center in Williamsburg, Va.
It makes them feel like they should believe in themselves, that they’re valuable — which they most certainly are.”
The program is the Youth & Family Program, supported by a grant from the Williamsburg Health Foundation and held at the counseling center in the College of William & Mary’s School of Education. It’s a free, 10-week program that offers counseling by advanced masters’ and doctoral-level students who work under the supervision of William & Mary faculty.
Local public schools often refer families to New Horizons, although parents also can self-refer. Many participants face daunting circumstances, such as financial hardship, long work hours, learning disabilities or a lack of Internet access at home, requiring early-morning or late-night visits to the library.
“These are deeply committed parents — people who are putting in an extraordinary effort for their children,” says Rebecca Sheffield, the center’s clinical faculty director. “What we can do is give them additional tools and support to be even greater parents.”
The 10-week-long sessions target children ages 5 to 17 and generally run three times a year, combining three types of therapy into each meeting: family counseling, children’s group counseling and parent group training. Each session aims to promote positive parenting and improved communication and social skills, whether the issue is battles over online video games, ineffective chore charts or loneliness at school.
After an opening conversation, kids and parents split into separate groups to discuss the night’s topic with same-age peers. While children can practice friendship-building and problem-solving skills together, parents can share advice, discuss their mistakes and simply lend a sympathetic ear.
“That peer support contradicts a sense of isolation,” says Foster, a W&M professor who co-directs New Horizons with fellow Professor Rip McAdams. “Children really can help each other, just as adults can. Our focus is on drawing in a whole family, not just ‘fixing’ a child.”
Sometimes, fairly simple changes can go far to strengthen families, notes Colin Vaughn, a doctoral candidate in counselor education and one of New Horizon’s student directors. For example, parents can “listen to understand” rather than “listen to problem-solve.”
“The instinct can be to jump in and come up with an immediate solution, but that’s often not what kids want,” Vaughn says. “They want to feel heard and understood, and then to solve a problem more together.”
Another beneficial shift is to trade praise, which tends to focus on results, for encouragement, which acknowledges effort. He adds: “Instead of, ‘You got a 100 on your test, great job,’ you can say, ‘You must have studied really hard and planned ahead.’ Or instead of a child just saying, ‘Thanks for dinner’ — which of course is nice, too — he could say, ‘I love that you thought about my favorite foods when you fixed dinner.’ ”
Hearing about the importance of “I” statements made a difference for one Williamsburg-area parent who attended the group with her 10-year-old daughter. Using the word “you” appears to blame the other person, which can close the door to discussion, recalls Megan, who asked to be identified by her first name.
“For instance, if someone hurts my feelings, I would say, ‘I am feeling sad because …’ instead of ‘You upset me’,” she explains. “It makes our conversations go much smoother.”
Children often need guidance in labeling and managing emotions such as anger, loneliness and sadness in order to make friends, succeed in the classroom and avoid fights and other harmful behaviors. Input from peers can have a major impact, especially for older kids. Parents, meanwhile, often build lasting friendships. “They realize that they aren’t alone, and that there are resources available to help them,” Foster says.
William & Mary educators hope to see the program replicated in other communities, especially by student graduates who set up practices outside Williamsburg. Megan, for one, says she hopes that happens.
“It is a place for growth, and for realizing that we as parents all struggle,” says Megan, adding that she’s been doing a better job taking care of herself, aiming for daily walks to reduce stress. “It also helped me realize that I am doing a great job raising my daughter, and I shouldn’t feel any less.”
Registration
The next 10-week Youth & Family Program is scheduled to begin June 6, with sessions likely running from 6 to 7:30 p.m. Thursdays. The program is free and includes dinner and childcare for younger siblings. For more information, contact your child’s school counselor, call (757) 221-2363 or visit https://education.wm.edu/centers/newhorizons.
