How structure and consistency can make you seem like a flexible parent.
Any parent who has or is currently raising a teenager will attest that it can sometimes (or often) be a roller coaster of tested boundaries, broken rules, tantrums, tears, apathy and ultimately, abject fear that you’re doing everything wrong.
Of course, just as there is a plethora of parenting styles, there’s also a broad spectrum of teenage personalities, leading to different experiences navigating the teen years. One thing that is consistent among most parents and teens, however, is the struggle to communicate and find common ground.
What Happened to Your Baby?
As children get older, they seek independence. When parents ask me why their teen is suddenly more private or quieter than they used to be, I explain that it’s developmentally normal during the teenage years. Teens want to be seen as mature and responsible, so they make an effort to establish individual personas. This is tough for most parents, because we’re used to our little ones telling us everything and needing us all the time. As our children are transitioning into a new phase of development, we’re also forced to gradually let go of a fully dependent child.
Managing Your Reactions When They Pull Away
Just because your child is suddenly more private does not mean they’re doing something wrong. However, many parents overreact by constantly checking their kids’ social media and cell phones, putting a GPS on their phone or vehicle — essentially blocking any semblance of social privacy. It’s natural to be worried about your child, but allowing anxiety to fuel overreactions could be damaging to the communication that parents are striving for.
Sometimes it’s hard to remember that if your child has done nothing wrong, policing their behavior and their privacy is not necessarily warranted. Instead of going to the extreme, mitigate your own anxiety by setting clear parameters for behavior and communication. When they leave the house, they should agree to check in, let you know who they’re with, where they will be and what time they’ll be home. This will allow you to feel connected to your child, but gives them the autonomy to have a social life without you hovering or digging into their privacy. Your anxieties may be reduced as you observe them follow the rules, pursue their individualism and stay out of trouble.
Avoiding Extremes — Be a Good Parent, Not a Cool Parent
While some parents seize the reins when their kids pull away, others let go completely. They hear the kid say, “I want my freedom” and instantly acquiesce. When I work with families that use this method with their teenagers, I remind them that kids that age do not have the developmental wherewithal to make sound decisions. Given the freedom to do whatever they want, most kids will. They simply do not yet possess the tools to think ahead five years and see the potential results of impulsivity.
Balance is Key
Being a parent to a teenager is like being a guide. It’s important to lead them, but allow them to explore their own decisions. Healthy boundaries will make teenaged children feel independent, but tacitly remind them that you’re invested in their future and their well-being. If there are no rules, they will get the sense that you don’t care.
Making The Rules And Following Through
Consistency is so critical in helping your teenager (and yourself) through this transition to independence. Establish boundaries and expectations well before there are issues, not after the fact. Boundaries and established consequences provide structure and let your kids know what will happen if they break rules. It’s much more effective, however, to set these rules up before something goes awry.
Following through is also very important. If you tell your kids they lose phone privileges for a week if they break curfew, you have to see it through. Bending the rules for convenience sends the message that you aren’t serious and that your consequences are pliable.