The one thing that every parent wants to tell their children after a school shooting — don’t worry, it could never happen here — simply isn’t true.
Still, parents can do a lot to help students manage anxiety, experts say. The best approach combines age-appropriate conversations with action plans, says Linda Askew, supervisor of student support and the school crisis team for Newport News Public Schools.
“We cannot minimize the possibility of critical incidences occurring in our schools, but we cannot live in fear or terror,” Askew says. “The main goal should be to instill in them a sense of power, so that they avoid letting random, single incidents impede their love of school and life.”
One important perspective for parents is that, sadly, children today are more “used” to hearing about school violence, notes Sandy Austin, a high school counselor in Colorado. As a Crisis Professional Interest Network Facilitator for the American School Counselor Association (ASCA), Austin has responded to several school shooting sites.
Last fall, Austin asked her students how they dealt with news of school incidents and social media threats. “They basically said, ‘It’s just a part of life,’” she recalls. “I asked if that made them anxious and a girl said, ‘I don’t know. It’s all I’ve known.’” The teenagers also shared that wherever they went — school, the mall, the movies — they were aware of their surroundings and potential escape routes.
Of course, violent events such as the Feb. 14 school shooting in Parkland, Fla., never stop being shocking. Afterward, kids need not only a listening ear but reassurance about the specific measures in place to keep them safe, according to the ASCA.
Counselors generally recommend that parents broach the subject of a shooting, as kids inevitably will get reports from the news, social media or peers. But asking open-ended questions is better than presenting information. What has the child heard? How does he feel?
“Be careful not to ‘over-talk’ and scare the kids,” Askew says. “Let their questions be the guide. This way you’re giving them useful information.”
The overall message should be that while shootings are possible, they are not probable, according to the National Association of School Psychologists (NASP). Then explain why: “Your school building is safe because … ,” followed by individual school policies.
Conversations will vary by age, as NASP tips recognize. Early elementary school students need only basic information about a tragedy with simple examples of how adults are working to protect them at school, such as with locked exterior doors and practice emergency drills.
Upper elementary and early middle school children tend to be more questioning of whether they are truly safe. Parents who point out beefed-up security steps after the Florida shootings — locked doors, buzzer systems, identification checks, cameras and/or armed guards — should be ready to explain the rationale for each.
Students also may need assistance in separating reality from fantasy. “When children are not given information, they often put together bits and pieces of what they have heard and create their own perception of what has happened,” says Michele Tryon, a child-life specialist and parent educator with Children’s Hospital of the King’s Daughters in Norfolk.
Upper middle and high school students, meanwhile, can discuss their ideas for preventing future tragedies. As the NASP puts it, “Emphasize the role that students have in maintaining safe schools by following safety guidelines — not providing building access to strangers, reporting strangers on campus, reporting threats made by students or community members, communicating any personal safety concerns to school administrators and accessing support for emotional needs.”
Speaking of emotions, never minimize or dismiss what a child is feeling, Tryon says. “It is okay to be sad or scared or angry,” she says. “Let your child know that other children may be thinking the same way they are. They are not alone.”
Feeling helpless is powerful fuel for anxiety, counselors say. Parents can guide children to regain a sense of control both by maintaining normal daily schedules and brainstorming ways to make a positive impact on their community.
At home, stick with healthy meals and usual bedtimes, homework and chore requirements, along with time for exercise, play and hobbies. “Focus on stuff you enjoy instead of stuff you fear,” Askew says. “Keep all routines, especially after-school activities. If not, you’re basically saying you should be scared to go to school.”
Limiting media exposure also is important. “When young children see the event playing over and over again on television, they may think the incident is happening again and again,” Tryon explains. Kids also can be frightened or confused if they overhear new information from adult conversations.
Many children heal through uplifting activities, such as making a card for someone who has been hurt, writing down a list of community protectors like police and fire officials, reading a book about a person who overcame challenging circumstances, drawing or journaling or learning calming breaths. “Doing something gives the child a sense of efficacy in an overwhelming situation,” Tryon says.
At school, students can be empowered by feeling like part of the solution, counselors say. Parents can review safety procedures and identify trusted adults to turn to as needed, like if they hear about a weapon on campus or worry a peer is struggling with anger or depression.
Students can also join the worldwide team of “helpers” who inevitably mobilize after tragedies. They might organize an anti-bullying club, write to legislators or send gifts to a school impacted by violence. Austin recalls how much students at one shooting site loved a 10-foot poster sent by an elementary school in Japan. As one student told her, ‘It’s really nice what the adults are doing and we appreciate it. But these posters from kids close to our age give us strength and hope, knowing we’re not alone.’”
Finally, parents shouldn’t hesitate to seek outside help for a child suffering from intense or lingering anxiety, which can appear in conversations or through changes in behavior, appetite or sleep patterns.
“Home should be a safe place to talk about their fears and all those questions they may be afraid to ask elsewhere,” Austin says. “Allow them to talk about it, but if they dwell on it for days, try to refocus the conversation. If it continues, seek a professional counselor.”