Written by Brandy Centolanza
Stay-at-home dads discuss the unique challenges of caregiving when the wife is the breadwinner.
One day, when his firstborn son was just a baby, Todd Tuting, a Richmond stay-at-home father of three boys, left the house to run errands and forgot the baby’s milk. “I was not able to judge his hunger well yet,” Tuting recalls. “I pushed him too far and he lost his mind. I raced home with a screaming infant in the back, doing 50 miles per hour in a 35-mile-per-hour neighborhood, not thinking about anything else but how badly he was screaming, and a police officer pulled me over. He saw and heard how loudly my son was screaming and asked me why I was pulled over. I told him I screwed up being a dad and forgot his milk and was getting home as fast as possible to feed him. He said, and I will never forget, ‘Been there, done that. Slow down,’ and let me off. I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown.”
Being a stay-at-home parent can be rough for anyone; but the day-to-day routine can be especially challenging for fathers, who may struggle mentally or emotionally as they rear their children without the same support that stay-at-home mothers may find. Tuting discovered that the hard way when he voluntarily left his job seven years ago to raise his children, now ages seven, five and three, while his wife, Laura, earned a living for the family.
During his first days as a homemaker, “My son was three months old and I was very nervous,” Tuting remembers. “I had no idea what to do. I felt overwhelmed and had very little guidance. Being a stay-at-home parent is something you learn more by trial and error than by reading and being told what to do.”
Tuting initially sought out mothers at the playground for support, but sometimes he found that, “Moms look at you weird when you are sitting there watching your kids play. I tried talking to them all the time. Some talked, some shunned me. I think another huge challenge for [stay-at-home dads] is society. If I got a quarter every time someone said to me, ‘Is it daddy’s day out or are you giving mommy a break?’ I would be quite well off by now. I’ve had plenty of negative looks, comments, and definitely felt judged at times. But I’ve learned to let go of my hostility. The people who made those comments know nothing about stay-at-home dads.”
Mark Hartman, a Williamsburg stay-at-home father of two boys, felt the same way in the beginning when a health condition forced him to leave his job four years ago. Hartman wondered why there was a bounty of mothers’ groups in the area, but none for fathers.
“I felt left out,” he admits. “I know it wasn’t intentional, but I wish there had been something more for me back then.”
At children’s birthday parties, other parents would often ask Hartman why he was there and not his wife. “I always felt like I had to explain myself and answer questions like, ‘Well, why don’t you work?’” he says. “I didn’t want to talk about it. I just wanted to be there and have fun with my kids.”
Hartman turned to family, friends and members of his church for comfort, though some days can still be difficult. “I just try to do the best I can,” he says.
Hartman’s biggest challenge was learning to accept his new role as the homemaker instead of the traditional role as breadwinner for the family.
“My life has changed,” Hartman says. “I was raised to be the father figure, to work outside of the home to support my family. It was very hard for me. But now I realize that I am just supporting my family in a different way now. A lot of fathers aren’t able to do it, so it’s been a blessing to me to be able to do this.”
Charley Shrack, another Williamsburg father of two children, and his wife, Katie, decided together that he would stay home with their kids in lieu of daycare. Shrack’s brother-in-law stayed home with his children and had encouraged him to do the same.
“When deciding to do this, the one doubt I had was if it would impact or harm my career by stepping away from it for a few years,” Shrack admits. But now, “I don’t really worry about getting back into it one day,” he says. “There will always be ways to get back into a career. What won’t be available one day is having the experience of raising your kids when they are so little because once they grow up, those days are gone.”
Stay-at-home dads agree that the experience is one that they cherish.
“There is nothing like your child coming up to you out of the blue and telling you ‘I love you’ for no reason at all,” shares Hartman. “I feel very good about what I am doing in bringing them up. It makes me happy that I am being this influence for them for as long as I can.”
Adds Tuting: “It is amazing how something that can drain you, turn your life upside down and change your total being can be fulfilling, rewarding and blissful and leave you with no regrets at the same time.”
As much as they revel in their roles as stay-at-home parents, where can these dads go when they need a recharge on those days that, well, are frustrating and exhausting?
“From my own experience, I believe the first line of support for a stay-at-home dad should be his wife,” notes Shrack. He appreciates that his wife leaves him in charge of day-to-day decisions regarding their children and the household, instead of simply viewing him as a babysitter while she is gone.
“That is extremely empowering,” Shrack says.
Still, Shrack says, he can understand what it’s like when the job takes its toll.
“I think many stay-at-home dads might struggle with social perceptions that they are doing a woman’s job, or other people’s views that they are stuck at home with the kids only because they got fired or are unemployable,” he shares. “I imagine some men might get lonely being at home without other adults for most of the
day. Some men may not have the physical stamina for the day-long marathon of busy-ness that it takes to raise infants, toddlers and young children.”
For some stay-at-home fathers, turning to the Web for support can
be helpful. A plethora of online resources exists as well as numerous websites where parents can find advice and tips, and relate and commiserate with others in the same boat.
“The Internet is a really good resource,” says Hartman. “You just need
to be active in looking for what you need.”
Other fathers might seek out playgroups that hold organized get-togethers with dads and their children, giving both sets the opportunity to get out of the house and socialize with others. That’s what Tuting did. After failing to fit in with a group for mothers, he discovered the Dads and Kids Club of Richmond.
The group, says Tuting, “is mainly a support system for stay-at-home dads, a forum where they can ask questions and get real answers from those in the same position and who have been doing it awhile.”
Tuting initially joined a playgroup because “I knew as a new stay-at-home dad, I was going to need all the help I could get, and when I spoke with the coordinator [at that time], he was great and gave me lots of support. It was a huge benefit to me all around. It’s been a huge support system that if I did not have, I would have had a much tougher time learning to be a stay-at-home dad and maybe not be as good as one I am now.”
Amanda Deverich, a marriage and family therapist with Williamsburg Counseling and a certified “calmer, easier, happier parenting” practitioner, agrees playgroups can be beneficial, if a father finds the right fit.
“The primary potential benefit to the father is mental health,” she says. “Playgroups can provide a supportive environment for improving parental functioning and reducing the risk of depression. Depression is a real health risk with biological and psychological symptoms. Stay-at-home fathers may be particularly susceptible to isolation, which can lead to depression because these men are a minority.”
Playgroups can be just as helpful not only to dads, but to the kids as well.
“The primary health benefit of a playgroup for children is stimulation,” says Deverich. “An engaged child is challenged to grow mentally, physically and socially.”
Tuting notes that while a dad’s role as a homemaker can be tough, there is hope.
“The biggest advice [I can give] is to definitely connect with a group and get support,” Tuting suggests. “Get out of the house as much as you can. Also, make sure you get your own time away from the kids. You need that mental break whether you think you do or not.”
Adds Shrack: “Kids are only little for a minute, so I certainly encourage other guys to jump at the chance to stay at home with them for a few years if it is at all possible for their family to do it.”