I consider myself to be pretty independent, and it is killing me to admit that my husband and I had to seek help in dealing with behavioral issues with our 7-year-old daughter. The other day after dinner, I asked her to wipe down her chocolate-covered cheeks. She refused, since her brother did not have to wipe down his face, and screamed through tears about how it was unfair that she had to wipe down her face and her brother didn’t. Later, in the car on our way to buy new winter hats, she realized that she did indeed have chocolate all over her face and wailed the entire car ride about how she needed a wipe to clean her face. Then, she had a crying fit in the middle of the store, blaming us when she discovered the hat she liked did not come in her size.
Irrational outbursts like these have been going on for months, leaving our whole family stressed and exhausted. So, we picked up a copy of Calmer, Easier, Happier Parenting by Noel Janis-Norton. The book offers five strategies for parents that “end the daily battles and get kids to listen the first time.” We are slowly incorporating this parenting approach into our routine, and so far, one strategy, called reflective listening, seems to be working pretty well. Moms and dads take time to be sympathetic and hone in on what their children are really feeling using this technique. On a recent trip to the zoo, our daughter was on the verge of a meltdown because she couldn’t pet a baby tiger. I said to her, “That baby tiger is so adorable. I wish I could pet it too. Wouldn’t that be great? But we don’t want to pet it because it isn’t safe.” She stopped, nodded, I dried her tears, grabbed her hand, and we moved on. Later, before dinner, she was taking too long in the shower, so, since we were in a time crunch, I shut off the faucet and told her to get dressed. She started screaming at me because she didn’t get to finish singing this song she made up in the shower about cats. Instead of yelling—which I am very prone to do because I am of the mindset that I am the mother, so you do what I say—I calmly said “You have a lovely singing voice. I’d love to hear your new song. But we have to finish getting ready for dinner. How about you sing the song to me later?” She reluctantly got out of the shower, but she did get out of the shower. Score! I’m not saying using this parenting approach is going to completely resolve our issue—she does have my personality after all, so she is going to want to express her opinion whether we like it or not—but it is a start.
My husband and I were told that we are not alone in dealing with these issues, but that is not very comforting when parents are backed into a corner. My hope is that by sharing our story, though, that other moms and dads won’t be afraid to ask for help. Attend a class, pick up a copy of the book, or research online, but don’t stop trying to find a solution.
