Learning to Let Go
Jul 2009
A Virginia Beach widow and her
children begin putting the pieces of
their lives back together after loss.
This past May, Betsy Kainer found herself in a great deal of pain, and the sting of the tattoo needle that permanently emblazoned the letter “K” on her left hip was the least of it. Instead of celebrating her 10-year wedding anniversary with her husband John in Monterey, Calif., as they had planned, she was a widow, living in Virginia Beach with their three children, all under the age of seven.
John, a former Navy SEAL and triathlete, battled a malignant brain tumor for 11 years before succumbing in January 2009.
Betsy’s “K” tattoo is formed by two flames rising toward the heavens—the symbol pays homage to John’s fire for life and is also the logo for Team Kainer, which was established in John’s honor 2008 by local running and triathlon coaches Jerry and Amy Frostick of J&A Racing. The Frosticks, who started the “Virginia is for Lovers” 14K held in Virginia Beach over Valentine’s Day weekend, and who coordinate the annual Shamrock Marathon held at the Oceanfront, created Team Kainer to help the family financially during John’s struggle with cancer. John’s family and friends want his story to inspire others: Even during his illness, John completed several marathons and two Ironman triathlons.
Money raised through Team Kainer will help build a college fund for the Kainer children, and Betsy hopes to provide financial assistance to other families devastated by brain cancer. Several hundred runners have been turning out for Team Kainer at local races, and a list of upcoming events can be found at the team’s website, www.teamkainer.com.
Betsy has also created a website on CaringBridge (www.caringbridge.org/visit/johnkainer), a free, nonprofit Web service that connects family and friends to share information, love and support when an individual is diagnosed with and treated for a serious medical condition. To date, the website has logged 25,035 visitors and contains 13 pages of journal entries filled with stories, prayers and hopes for a better tomorrow for Betsy and her children.
But for now, Betsy is putting all her energy into today: parenting her children, taking care of her home and trying to regain her footing after the devastating loss of her best friend. In an interview with The Health Journal, she shares what life looks like for her and her family after John’s death.
John’s family and friends want his story to inspire others: even during his illness, John completed several marathons and two Ironman triathlons.
HJ: What or who was your greatest resource during John’s illness?
BK: Friends in the area were and still are my biggest support. I always say my friends are my family. I have several good friends who are there to listen if I need to let emotions out. I talk to myself, too, and that helps. I also talk to John.
My outlet was running, playing tennis or working out. It always has been. Running helps me the most with the emotional side of it. I am able to think or not think. Once in a while I might stop because I hyperventilate. It’s tough to cry and run at the same time.
HJ: On the CaringBridge website, you write that your children have been attending a grief support group. What are they taking away from each meeting?
BK: The program, through Edmarc [Hospice for Children], is called “Peace by Piece.” I thought we would give it a try and am glad we did. It is confidential as to what they say in their groups, but I can ask them questions and they can share what they want—and so far they have shared very little. I just want a place where they can be probed for questions or thoughts about Daddy and talk about him if they want to. I also encourage talking about John at home.
HJ: Death and dying are difficult concepts to explain to children and ones that adults struggle with as well. How did you and John prepare the children for his death?
BK: Throughout John’s sickness, especially when he was receiving hospice care at home, I decided to not hide anything from them. They were curious. They observed, watched and walked away when they wanted. When John did pass away, we had all the kids gather in a room, and we spoke about how Daddy had been sick and that God was taking him but leaving his spirit here with us, that he would be our angel. He looked so peaceful, no longer in the pain he once was. He even wore his cute little “Kainer smirk” as I like to say.
HJ: In the midst of darkness, where do you find hope?
BK: The kids are keeping me going, keeping the days busy. I encourage a positive environment. I keep John around with many pictures. Nothing has changed in the house for now. It will be gradual. We are going about life as normally as possible, but we don’t hold back on keeping John’s spirit present. We miss him so much. Times will be hard, especially this first year. John would only want me and the kids to move forward—to miss him, but to let him go.