Communication for Couples: Key to Marital Success
Jul 2009
If you live with someone—roommate, sweetheart or spouse—you are going to have disagreements, just as you do with anyone else you work or play with. The difference lies in the fact that deeper feelings are involved and that you can’t avoid confrontation by going home at night.
What do couples argue about? Regardless of what you may read, the subjects haven’t changed since the first caveman brought the first cavewoman home. Marital therapists report that sex is still the most frequent topic of dissension, and the hot-button one. Each person assumes that the other should understand and meet his or her needs without being told what they are.
Marriage can be a fragile union, and the first place it comes apart is usually the bedroom.
In the early days men read “marriage manuals” in the hopes of satisfying their partner, though they lacked the necessary details; those books were little more than schematic diagrams of female anatomy. They did not address a woman’s needs or how to meet them. So men proceeded to do what they thought was the right thing, and women—sometimes thinking, “Just get it over with!”—remained unfulfilled, secretly angry and frustrated.
A man’s pride is deeply involved in his sexual performance. No matter how much he loves his woman, if she isn’t receptive to sex when he approaches her, he takes it as a sign of rejection. He is likely to see it as rejection of him personally, despite what his brain tells him, i.e., that perhaps she is tired or just not in the mood. Marriage can be a fragile union, and the first place it comes apart is usually the bedroom.
Why are women unable to talk about their sexual needs? Part of the problem is that there remains, despite explicit scenes in movies and on TV, a reluctance to put into words the necessary information. Almost all women have sexual fantasies in which they are aroused and satisfied in very specific ways, but to ask for these things from their real-life partner seems vaguely wrong. Chiefly, they fear that their man will withdraw in horror or disgust at their suggestions. In fact, most men would be more than happy to comply. There is also, on the part of women, a belief that if a man truly loves her he should know, without being told, what she desires. In fact, most men don’t intuitively know what their partner desires. They think they are doing the right thing, but they may be way off base, because there are nuances of the female anatomy about which they may know little or nothing. Most important for men, if they wish to please their partner, is understanding that foreplay is more than a sexual act. It is a manner of behaving that begins in the morning with tenderness and true interest in their mate, and if it continues throughout the day into the evening hours, it can improve a man’s chances of satisfying his partner that night.
Beyond the bedroom
The second most frequent area of dissension among couples is children. Raising children is complicated, and parents bring to it all the memories and emotions from their childhood—especially their vows that they would never do as their parents did.
Parents must agree on what grades are acceptable and which behaviors need consequences. Again, one parent may assume that the other already knows his or her feelings and thoughts about these issues. It seems too complicated to talk about, but that is just what has to happen, and not at the moment that your son or daughter is clamoring to be allowed to do something you are concerned about. Almost always a decision can be put off “until Mom and Dad have a chance to discuss it.”
Parents should not blame each other for mistakes but rather try to understand what happened. In some families, parents alternate being “on-duty,” so that, for example, on Monday-Wednesday-Friday Dad handles questions and discipline, and on the intervening days Mom is in charge. It’s not so hard to deal with problems when you know you are “off-duty” the next day.
Another common topic of disagreement is household chores. No one wants to scrub bathrooms or empty the dishwasher, so it is best to divide up what needs to be done in a fair and workable manner. If you can’t easily talk it out and decide, write down the chores on bits of paper and put them in a bowl, with tasks to be drawn out at random on a weekly or monthly basis. It’s easier if you know beforehand what you are responsible for and that you won’t be responsible for it forever. There should be an understanding that no one will come in and rescue the other from having to do a chore. If it isn’t done, so be it, and the laundry will sit out until it is put away by the person responsible. This is the hardest part for women, for we are trained from birth to help others.
Money is a hard thing to manage, and therefore talk about, and carries with it all kinds of emotions. If you were brought up to monitor your finances, it is going to upset you when your darling blows a wad on something you think isn’t necessary. Ideally a couple has three checking accounts: his, hers and theirs. Again, as with chores, no one should bail the other out. Talking about spending and saving money is vital. Americans save so little compared to people in other countries, and we tend to rack up huge credit card debts. Being in debt is frightening to some of us, but it bothers others not at all. When one partner obtains new credit cards or abuses them without telling the other, it may be seen as an act of deception and betrayal and can ruin any relationship. Discuss with your partner use of joint accounts, and keep good records. As simple as it sounds, open communication about finances helps keep the peace. Perhaps most important on the financial front is for two people to agree on or negotiate their financial objectives. Do they want to save to buy a house or spend that money on vacations?
Finally, disagreements can arise about how free time is spent. The spouse who spends every weekend on the golf course can expect to encounter trouble at home. While some time apart is good, the two of you should make a point of scheduling a regular date night and, periodically, a weekend away. Particularly if there are children involved, it is too easy to allow them to eat up all your time so that those long-ago days of romantic evenings together are just that—a distant memory. The familiar “mid-life crisis” can lead to a divorce, because leaving a marriage is far easier than trying to change oneself to improve it. Protect your relationship by putting it first.
When discussing difficult topics with your partner, avoid statements like “You always...” and “You never….” What is needed is compromise. Spend time periodically talking to each other about these potential problem areas, and you will reap the reward of a loving and lasting life together. And remember, in an argument with one’s beloved, no one ever wins. You can stop any argument instantly by saying, “You’re right.” Try it—if nothing else, it’s worth it to see the look on your partner’s face.