Parenting in the Digital Age

How Technology has changed parenting.

When my daughter was born, I knew parenting would be a difficult job. Aside from potty training and dressing herself, I’d have to teach her to tie her shoes and cover her mouth when she sneezed. I’d have to help her learn to deal with hurt feelings and disappointments, help her develop a strong sense of values and encourage independence while teaching her to be safe. I knew it wouldn’t be easy.

That was in 1994—years before Facebook existed, before 12-year-olds had cell phones, before words like “cyberbullying” and “sexting” were even invented.

While each generation of parents faces challenges unique to their particular group, moms and dads today seem to be saddled with an even tougher job: mobile technologies, cell phones, video games, social networks and always-on Internet access all present a brand-new frontier for parents. Media stories about online predators or obesity rates linked to excessive screen time make parents feel even more pressured to protect their children. Many parents today worry whether they are even equipped to handle the tech situations that seem to arise on a daily basis.

Tougher in 2010?
There is no doubt that things have changed dramatically for kids—and parents—in the last decade. Take a look at the statistics:

• Kids are consuming more than 40 hours a week of screen time: the average home gets over 100 television channels, and 90 percent of kids ages 8 to 12 play 13 hours of video games a week…or more.
• Almost 60 percent of 12-year-olds own a cell phone of their own, and the average teen sends 80 texts a day.
• One third of today’s youth admit to being bullied online—and almost 20 percent admit to bullying someone else online.
• Fifteen percent of teens say they have received a sexually explicit photo or video of someone they know.

Statistics like these seem to solidify the point—parenting is harder than ever, isn’t it?
“I do think parenting’s more difficult with new media and technology if our parenting style is very authoritarian,” says Anne Collier, mother of two and founder of NetFamilyNews.org, an online newsletter with a family-tech focus. Trying to control and filter the mass amount of new content and gadgets available to kids can make the job of parenting feel overwhelming. “Kids have too many workarounds and ways to go into stealth mode for us to be able really to control them much anymore,” says Collier. “If we ban their favorite social tools, they can pretty easily find ways to use them without our knowledge.”

Doing the research, laying down rules and creating boundaries can also feel extra laborious when kids know more than parents. “Parenting is more of a negotiation than ever,” says Collier, adding that debating tech issues with kids can be tiresome, but is not all bad. “It puts a premium on communication, and kids usually respond pretty well to calm, reasonable, non-confrontational parents,” she says.

Parenting has always been hard work, and Collier believes that while it still is tough, it’s not necessarily harder. “I think we think parenting is more difficult—or we think it’s supposed to be more difficult—because of technology, but it isn’t, for the most part,” says Collier. “The reason is that children and teens haven’t changed much just because they use technology.”

In fact, says Collier, technology makes some things easier for parents. “It enables us to keep up with our kids and know where they are more than ever before—a privilege that I think we have to be careful not to abuse,” says Collier. “Being able to have text-message conversations with them and check in on their Facebook profiles every now and then can offer insights into their lives that may never have been available to parents.”

It’s hard to imagine how cell phones, video games and laptops might evolve in the next two, five or 10 years. And while parents can’t anticipate the exact challenges, staying informed is the best thing they can do to guide their children.
“We do need to learn enough about the technologies our kids use to be able to ask intelligent questions,” says Collier, adding that while it may be hard work, great sources are available to give parents an edge. “That’s actually why I started NetFamilyNews 11 years ago—to help parents dip lightly into the world of kid-tech so they can learn the basic vocabulary and keep up on trends.”

OLD PARENTAL TECHNIQUES APPLIED TO NEW TECHNOLOGY
The best approach to this new era of parenting is a little acceptance and good old-fashioned parenting tools, says Collier. “If we can accept the technologies they use as a reality—a fact of life—and not fear them, then we can fold their use into all our usual parenting practices. Stay in close communication, ask annoying questions just as we always have about the offline, non-tech parts of their lives, and we’ll all be okay.” Whether you’re trying to manage screen time or your tween’s desire for a cell phone, draw on these basic parenting principles to manage today’s new challenges.

“No TV during dinner.”
According to a Kaiser Family Foundation study, only about one third of parents set limits on the time kids can spend in front of the TV, playing video games or on the computer. The study also finds that children whose parents do set time limits spend almost three hours less a day consuming media.Time limits and boundaries have always been a part of parental rules, and most likely you’re already applying them to bedtimes, snack selections and other activities in order to help kids strike a healthy balance. Apply those same boundaries to your family’s use of new technologies.

“Our family doesn’t do that.”
Each family has their own set of morals, and helping children apply those to everyday components of their lives is important—especially today. Reinforcing your family’s values as they apply to the technology your children use will help kids develop their own moral compass—an important part of becoming a responsible digital citizen.

“Let me look into it.”
You’ve done it for choosing pediatricians, diapers and preschools. Now you need to do the research when figuring out whether your child is ready for a Facebook profile or cell phone.

“Follow my lead.”
Kids look to their parents for clues and models of how to behave. Beware of your own techie example—don’t drive while talking on your cell phone, avoid staying plugged into the computer all day, and be aware of what you post online. Why? Because your kids are watching!

“I’m proud of you.”
Reinforcing good behavior lets children know you’re proud of their smart choices. Whether they’ve come to you concerned about an e-mail they’ve received or they got an “A” on their PowerPoint presentation at school, focusing your praise on their smart tech skills and responsible behavior
will help nurture your child’s awareness of tech responsibility.

Written By Sharon Miller Cindrich